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these are drafts written since 2007 that never made it to actual posts. i have certainly grown since writing these thoughts but felt that, in sharing them, i could also re-live these moments and see myself just how far i've come from the person i used to be. all are unedited and posted as they were first written.



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bilbo's life
Monday, December 22, 2014

It feels like I'm living Bilbo's life, in that, there is so much to be done or said and I feel spread too thin.  I have been working hard on remaining positive and doing my best to exude happiness.   Because the truth is, I am happy.  There are just strings attached that hold me to some unfavorable things and I do not hold the power, nor want the power to cut them.  One good thing leads to another.  I see it happen most every day.  And I wouldn't change a thing about what it took to get here.  I need understanding.  And I wish more people desired me the way I do them.  But I am not in control of anyone but myself, so, I wait.

(07-21-2014)

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sands of time
Sunday, December 21, 2014

blind, i let you lead me, not worried by the fall. deep, inside you read me, better than them all. pain, is where you free me, and time has left the stall. pushing forward, getting through, there is never enough time spent with you.  losing quickly, learning truth, knowing the sands of time have payment due.  run, your strings that guide me, finding strength in song. gone, the days that tried me and still your love lives on. pain, is where you free me, less you, night won't be dawn.

(02-20-2009)

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walking
Saturday, December 20, 2014

yesterday
i was walking down the road taking photographs.
kids were playing in the road and as i approached them
a little boy, maybe about four years old excitedly waved to me while offering up
a very warm greeting.
 
i was touched.
i returned the hello and kept walking.
he ran towards me and exclaimed that he could ride his bike
without training wheels.
 
i told him that was an excellent job.
he asked if i would like to see.
"sure".  so i stopped and waited while he began to show me.
he had a small bit of trouble getting going but once he was on, he had the hang of it.
 
he was right. he could ride his bike without training wheels.
and i was so proud of him.

(07-21-2014)

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pain
Friday, December 19, 2014

​When I talk about the pain that was inflicted upon me, I am not looking for sympathy or pity.  I'm not exhibiting the all eyes on me syndrome.  I'm educating.  And by doing so, I'm adding more distance between me and the pain.  For a very long time, I believed that if you don't acknowledge something, it just eventually goes away.  But that has never worked.  The more I talk about being hurt, the better I feel about not living the same scenarios over and over again.  It's almost like an out of body experience because none of that defines who I am today.  It impacted me, yes, but it didn't define me.  I think the more talk there is about abuse, the more educated people become.  That's why I don't mind telling my stories, even though, some are still pretty painful to recall.  If I can just bring awareness to other people in order to help them look for the signs that this could be taking place with a child they know, it might help them to encourage that child that it's okay to speak up.

(07-21-2013)

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solace
Thursday, December 18, 2014

​There are good thoughts too, you know.  I'm not always filled with confusion and frustration.  I think of how there are a handful of people who I let down at times but always seem to have my back anyway.  I have a great job and I get along with everyone I work with.  We make a great team despite some of our clashing personalities.  Music offers me solace like nothing else... well, besides my new hobby of painting... which I need to be doing more.  I ran two miles last night and then did a twenty minute intense workout and felt proud.  I'm beginning to push myself more.  I have so much good in my life that sometimes, I take it for granted only focusing on the negative.  I'm trying to change that though.  

​(05-07-2009)​

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about those things you do for me
Wednesday, December 17, 2014

​I'm trying to figure out why I feel so uncomfortable when people do nice things for me.  I guess it's just become so unexpected that when it happens, I can't fully wrap my brain around the gesture.  Even though it feels really good to be thought about, makes my heart warm and my eyes misty, I can't help but feel undeserving at the same time.

​(07-22-2013)​

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Case in point
Tuesday, December 16, 2014

​Case in point. I couldn't take a thing back that was said and even if I could, would it really matter?  Words are embedded once spoken and it's always the worst of them that stick the best.  I'm sorry for that.  Do you see now why I strive to keep silent?  I don't want to be the one leaving wounds that won't heal.  I'm still trying to mend myself.  Can you find a way to erase the memory and let us start over without anger or resentment?  I don't want to lose you again.

​(07-21-2013)​

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Don't ask
Monday, December 15, 2014

​Don't ask me to love you and then turn your back on me.  While I remain loyal, I refuse to cross the line in chase of you.  I'll go so far as to be content enough to follow suit, turn myself, and not even watch you walk away.

(07-21-2013)

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over
Sunday, December 14, 2014

​I try even when I can't answer as to why I'm even trying anymore. I've always been very keen on taking a hint. When I feel like my efforts go unnoticed or are unappreciated, I'll move on and occupy my focus with something else. But then, I always come back. Why? I don't know. That's the most frustrating part. When things are over, they should be over, right? I am setting myself up for the brush off and yet, knowing this, I don't care. Until I do. And then I vow to never attempt to connect again. Until I do. Perhaps I've been convinced by the very people shutting me out that I am not disposable. I am worthy for their attention. I am worth the friendship. I am worth the try. But here I am, trying, while they do nothing. And still, I try. Why? Why? Why?

(07-21-2013)

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words left unsaid
Saturday, December 13, 2014

​I've been thinking a lot about my life and death. No one wants to talk about it really, and I don't blame them, but the truth is that it's coming no matter what we do. There is so much we can control but this one thing, is completely out of our hands. I want to live a long and healthy life. I want to be able to watch my nieces and nephews grow into adults. I want to always be around in case someone needs me. I think most about my husband. Is it possible to love someone so much that you only want your life prolonged so that they will not suffer in your absence? When someone loves me the way I know he loves me, it's hard to be unconcerned about what that loss would mean for him. If I could ever take the suffering away from those that I love, I totally would. So with that, it pains me to know that someday I will be the cause of agony for someone else.

(06-18-2013)

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