Monday, December 22, 2014
It feels like I'm living Bilbo's life, in that, there is so much to be done or said and I feel spread too thin. I have been working hard on remaining positive and doing my best to exude happiness. Because the truth is, I am happy. There are just strings attached that hold me to some unfavorable things and I do not hold the power, nor want the power to cut them. One good thing leads to another. I see it happen most every day. And I wouldn't change a thing about what it took to get here. I need understanding. And I wish more people desired me the way I do them. But I am not in control of anyone but myself, so, I wait.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
blind, i let you lead me, not
worried by the fall. deep, inside you read me, better than them all. pain, is where you free me, and time
has left the stall. pushing forward, getting through, there is never enough time
spent with you. losing quickly, learning
truth, knowing the sands of time have payment due. run, your strings that guide me, finding
strength in song. gone, the days that tried me and still your
love lives on. pain, is where you free me, less you, night won't
Saturday, December 20, 2014
i was walking down the road taking photographs.
kids were playing in the road and as i approached them
a little boy, maybe about four years old excitedly waved to me while offering up
a very warm greeting.
i was touched.
i returned the hello and kept walking.
he ran towards me and exclaimed that he could ride his bike
without training wheels.
i told him that was an excellent job.
he asked if i would like to see.
"sure". so i stopped and waited while he began to show me.
he had a small bit of trouble getting going but once he was on, he had the hang of it.
he was right. he could ride his bike without training wheels.
and i was so proud of him.
Friday, December 19, 2014
When I talk about the pain that was inflicted upon me, I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I'm not exhibiting the all eyes on me syndrome. I'm educating. And by doing so, I'm adding more distance between me and the pain. For a very long time, I believed that if you don't acknowledge something, it just eventually goes away. But that has never worked. The more I talk about being hurt, the better I feel about not living the same scenarios over and over again. It's almost like an out of body experience because none of that defines who I am today. It impacted me, yes, but it didn't define me. I think the more talk there is about abuse, the more educated people become. That's why I don't mind telling my stories, even though, some are still pretty painful to recall. If I can just bring awareness to other people in order to help them look for the signs that this could be taking place with a child they know, it might help them to encourage that child that it's okay to speak up.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
are good thoughts too, you know. I'm not always filled with confusion
and frustration. I think of how there are a handful of people who I let
down at times but always seem to have my back anyway. I have a great
job and I get along with everyone I work with. We make a great team
despite some of our clashing personalities. Music offers me solace like
nothing else... well, besides my new hobby of painting... which I need
to be doing more. I ran two miles last night and then did a twenty
minute intense workout and felt proud. I'm beginning to push myself
more. I have so much good in my life that sometimes, I take it for
granted only focusing on the negative. I'm trying to change that
about those things you do for me
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
trying to figure out why I feel so uncomfortable when people do nice
things for me. I guess it's just become so unexpected that when it
happens, I can't fully wrap my brain around the gesture. Even though it
feels really good to be thought about, makes my heart warm and my eyes
misty, I can't help but feel undeserving at the same time.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
in point. I couldn't take a thing back that was said and even if I
could, would it really matter? Words are embedded once spoken and it's
always the worst of them that stick the best. I'm sorry for that. Do
you see now why I strive to keep silent? I don't want to be the one
leaving wounds that won't heal. I'm still trying to mend myself. Can
you find a way to erase the memory and let us start over without anger
or resentment? I don't want to lose you again.
Monday, December 15, 2014
ask me to love you and then turn your back on me. While I remain
loyal, I refuse to cross the line in chase of you. I'll go so far as to
be content enough to follow suit, turn myself, and not even watch you
Sunday, December 14, 2014
try even when I can't answer as to why I'm even trying anymore. I've
always been very keen on taking a hint. When I feel like my efforts go
unnoticed or are unappreciated, I'll move on and occupy my focus with
something else. But then, I always come back. Why? I don't know. That's
the most frustrating part. When things are over, they should be over,
right? I am setting myself up for the brush off and yet, knowing this, I
don't care. Until I do. And then I vow to never attempt to connect
again. Until I do. Perhaps I've been convinced by the very people
shutting me out that I am not disposable. I am worthy for their
attention. I am worth the friendship. I am worth the try. But here I am,
trying, while they do nothing. And still, I try. Why? Why? Why?
Saturday, December 13, 2014
been thinking a lot about my life and death. No one wants to talk about
it really, and I don't blame them, but the truth is that it's coming no
matter what we do. There is so much we can control but this one thing,
is completely out of our hands. I want to live a long and healthy life. I
want to be able to watch my nieces and nephews grow into adults. I want
to always be around in case someone needs me. I think most about my
husband. Is it possible to love someone so much that you only want your
life prolonged so that they will not suffer in your absence? When
someone loves me the way I know he loves me, it's hard to be unconcerned
about what that loss would mean for him. If I could ever take the
suffering away from those that I love, I totally would. So with that, it
pains me to know that someday I will be the cause of agony for someone